Mommy Guilt

I use to watch the Hallmark type commercials about motherhood and sigh with anticipation of becoming a mother. I knew that it would be filled with giggles, cookie baking, nail painting and long deep talks. I was sure that I would be just like the proverbs 31 wife, I would be kind and loving, calm and forgiving. My husband would know that everyday he could come home to a leave it to Beaver worthy dinner with smiling excited children while I had make up on and freshly done hair. The kids would show him what they had learned that day and life would be beautiful....I was convinced that my life would be just like the TV ads and old movies , That to be a good mom I would have to always be happy, always be smiling , always be in the floor playing, doing crafts, and also have a perfectly clean home and immaculate physical appearance. I would never be tired and I would NEVER feel burned out and over worked..

Ya know what!? I sometimes hate that Proverbs 31 wife and that stupid leave it to Beaver mother makes me sick!!!!!
Motherhood is HARD its sticky and messy and honestly I sometimes wonder what in the world I was thinking!? I love my children, I really do! But lets face the truth it is not always fun, it is very rarely easy and it takes more patience than any of us ever imagined! The days I actually have make up on are nothing short of miraculous. I am always ALWAYS tired! My three year old refers to craft time as CRAP time... what does that say about my crafting skills!? My house is a wreck more than it is clean, I am absolutely giddy on the days I get to go to the store alone! Dinner is so incredibly hard to get fixed and on the table at a decent hour and forget all the "healthy rules" to eating with kiddos... Organic? Gluten free? Dairy ? Vegan? SERIOUSLY some nights they get store bought waffles with "gasp" JELLY!  In the mornings you bet your tush that I sometimes turn on Nick jr so I can drink my coffee and look at facebook with out screaming at anyone.. I use to cringe in shame at ''Mommy play dates" when one of my littles would burst out singing the dora song word for word.. ''Must have learned that at grandmas'' I would say while giving the little a glaring look.. But no more.. YES WE WATCH TV... not all day, not every minute, but it happens.. and my kids will survive. I yell... yep sometimes I yell at my kids. They are sometimes tiny little crazies that are loud, aggressive and set on destroying everything they touch soo I do yell. I am working on it, I am praying about it, God knows my heart, my littles know my heart.. I love them and would die for them.. But I still yell and they still will survive..
No matter how much I pray , when I step on a lego at two in the morning I say a swear word.. sometimes under my breath ..... sometimes a bit louder .... I think God understands..

But you know what!? I don't think most of my friends at church or in facebook land do.... I am pretty sure if they are honest their reality looks a whole lot like mine... maybe worse! But do they admit it? NOPE.. I click on facebook and see stories of Martha Stuart type baking adventures and star gazing evenings... My cookie baking always end up with fire alarms and sensory sensitive kids screaming in agony while I vow to destroy that stupid fire alarm.. Star gazing at our home often ends with bug bites, falls and fighting over who sits/stands where!

See the issue is not that women post these long flowery updates about all of the special fun evenings that seem to go perfectly everytime... it is that they never post,discuss or confess that sometimes it is hard, sometimes life is messy, sometimes even the best kids melt down...they post instead rants and rules about how to be a good mommy..
Depending on what day you log on, or what group you visit, or what coffee shop you walk into..
No gluten!
No sugar!
NO tv!
Baby wear always!
cry it out
nurse till five, Nurse for six months.. just what ever you do , know that if you don't nurse your baby he will surely die!!
eat organic only.
read this , do that..
keep a schedule! But be flexible!
you should co sleep, no leave them in  the  room alone from day one!
If you just do this your kid will never act up again!
Your kid is aggressive!? mine never do that... you must be eating too many sweets.
Your kid has a game at five!?!?! Your kid does NOT have a game!?!?!
Why are you not enrolled in football,art,singing,chess,dance,gymnastics!?!?!?!
Private school? Homeschool? Public school?
Oh , you homeschool? what about social skills??
Only buy this brand! Only let her wear this!

Seriously? Tell me how anyone is suppose to follow any of that? No wonder so many mothers are depressed, frantic and feel less than human! 
Dear Mom who is feeling bad because some other mother seems to be doing ''it'' better than you, Hear me when I say; God sees your trying, He knows your heart! Turn on the TV or don't..Eat the cookies or don't.. As long as you love your babies, as long as your trying, as long as you keep on when it is hard that is all they will remember!!!!

 Honestly, I am getting off my soapbox in about two seconds BUT see those kids ^^^ in the photo above.. They sometimes get yelled at, they watch tv, play video games, and sometimes get junk food and soda...life in our home is stressful and sometimes hard.. they have been through so much before we became a family but God knows our hearts.. He is blessing us and they are becoming outstanding little mini Seals... Even with all my crazy parenting they are thriving and are AMAZING!!!! Your kiddos will too, no matter what choices you make! Faith, Family and ducks  Love! It is all you need!
 

  

Holiday Public Service Announcement

In twenty four hours it will be Thanksgiving day.... while most parents are busy picking out cute outfits, packing a bag, baking a pie or two and all of the other pre holiday craziness. While I am doing all of those things I am also downing a bottle of tums to try and settle my stomach, praying over and over again for understanding family and friends, praying even more for just one normal holiday!
See I have three amazing children, children who are bright,stunning and have made it through horrors that most adults could never even imagine. Because of these horrors and maybe just because of how their brain works ( it is easier for me to blame the abuse) my amazing children have several disorders and diagnoses. Now honestly I have tried not to tell the world every issue they have... frankly because it is no one Else's business, not even our family. But because the kids struggles are invisible to the naked eye, we get an almost daily onslaught of "advice" and " shopping mall parenting experts".
Believe me I know how hard it can be to deal with our kids , constant changing needs and routines. I LIVE IT EVERYDAY! I know it is hard to decide what is defiance and what is an inability to cope,understand and move forward in an activity. I know that so much of the time , it seems like they just need a good spank ( and sometimes maybe they do, I mean they are children and all) that sometimes it seems like we are enabling them, or allowing them to dictate our world. But before you give your "advice" or " if that was my child " speech.. let me remind you of something, THESE ARE NOT YOUR KIDS, WE LIVE THIS EVERY DAY AND KNOW BETTER THAN YOU WHAT WORKS! I know this post may seem harsh but it is really not meant to be.
Maybe I should give a quick cliff notes version of our children's struggles so maybe you will understand my anxiety and frustration with the holiday season.

 My R man was starved, neglected, beaten and so much more from birth to three 1/2. Because of this he trust NO ONE. His brain has an inability to accept that anyone has his best interest in mind. He is constantly waiting for the ball to drop in any situation. Because of this he is on edge and expecting the worse more often than not. Holidays and family gatherings are very intense and scary for him, they never ended well before he lived with us.. He also has ADHD and PTSD ( post traumatic stress disorder) imagine being seven with a constant assurance that everyone is out to get you, that every situation will surely end in pain and confusion. Because of these fears and anxiety he has a constant need for control, for everything to stay the same. If his world is changed or disrupted he falls into fight or flight mode ( mostly fight) he feels a need to fight to get that sense of comfort back that his normal routine brings. At home, we eat every day at the same time, we go to bed every day at the same time, his clothes are always laid out and ready, his food is always available and he very rarely has to wait to eat..

My sweet little bundle of curls miss W........... honestly she struggles most of all. I really do not have a lot of fancy words to explain her. As a newborn my baby was left screaming for food, nurturing , and touch for sometimes hours at a time. She was ignored and forgotten quite often. She was moved often in that first year and never made lasting attachments. W feels she can not depend on anyone.. I did not know how she would struggle, if I did I would like to think maybe I could have found her help sooner.. But she was so tiny and life was filled with helping Mr. R cope for so long that I just kept telling myself she was too little to remember her abuse and she would be like everyone else. But she is not, my sweet little girl has severe anxiety ( wouldn't you?), is very obsessive compulsive ( it helps her cope to have everything a certain way), needs her routine, even more than big brother everything must stay the same! Sensory struggles plague her every day,sounds, touch, taste, and smells can send her over board. Her brain can not process more than one voice at a time, so if everyone is speaking, laughing or shouting at once she feels as if she is drowning in a sea of chaos. She often floats around in W. land where it is safe, where it is quiet, where all of the things we enjoy and crave as humans but that cause her pain can not reach her. So when she is forced out of her routine or out of W. land she often melts down. She struggles to read and understand people , she is often confused by a persons actions and subtle hints. W. DOES NOT UNDERSTAND SUBTLE! When other children get over stimulated, a good talking to can usually calm them down.. once any of my children get wound up it is almost impossible to calm them down, it is like their brain is in over drive and can not shift gears.

My little D, my stinker, my charmer, my monkey! D was born on more drugs and exposed to more drugs than I could count. He has been so blessed to have very few struggles that most have after prenatal drug exposure. He has trouble waking up, and once he gets too hyper he has a lot of trouble calming down.

So now that you know a very small amount of the struggles my kiddos face, maybe you understand why holidays can be difficult. Honestly I have considered just skipping the whole season.. but that is not fair to my kids or myself. So I am asking you the reader, invite us over, invite us to parties, but please be understanding... remember when miss W. starts screaming because she hates green beans, it is not because she is a brat who does not want to eat. it might just be because of her sensory struggles the texture is literally painful to her. When R becomes angry and volatile for seemingly no reason there are actually a million possible reasons and I get to play twenty questions to try and help him cope and move forward...I am constantly trying to beat the meltdown, I spend every day on alert. Looking out for possible triggers,trying to help the children succeed in a world that confuses them. I am often exhausted, I am often stressed and fighting off my own anxiety. I would be lying if I didn't admit I struggle with this life we live, that this constant fight to stay ahead of the meltdowns and fears of my kids is a hard life. But it would be easier if I did not have to also fight to stay ahead of the judgement we receive from other adults in our lives, it is an everyday battle for me to ignore the rest of the world and just do what is needed for my kiddos. As a parent I am always eager to learn, to find new plans  to help my kids be the best they can be. So To my family and close friends, I value your opinion and advice. But while I am dragging a seven year old kicking and screaming to another room, or reminding a four year old that it is good to have people around and that she does not need to be overwhelmed.. THAT is not the time to give it... Over the dinner table in front of extended family and friends that is not the time either. Do not feel sorry for our family, do not judge our family. Pray for us, enjoy being with us, and understand when we have to leave early, or feed our children before the others. 
OK so my ramble is over, I hope you can make sense of it! I love you all! Happy Holidays!!

Happy Father's Day! ( to the real dads)

As most people know not only am I a mom who adopted but I am also adopted myself! All of my life I have had people ask me the dreaded ''real" question. It started as a child: Is that your real dad? Where are your real parents? As my kids became ours forever and always the questions began again : Are those your real kids? Are they real brothers and sisters? Is that their real dad?
Now I would love to spend a few years minutes talking about people and their completely rude and inappropriate questions, BUT I will save that for another day! This post is short and to the point. I want to take a moment and thank all the REAL dads out there.
The first men in my life either abused me or forgot me, but don't feel too sorry for me because it was not very long until I met my real dad!

 From a very early age I knew my dad was special, I knew he chose not only me but to love my mother,brothers and my sister unconditionally forever and always! He is not always open with his feelings but there has never been a day that I doubted his love and complete devotion to us all! So happy Father's day to my REAL DAD! 

In writing this post I had a lot of time to think about what a real dad really is.. And I have come up with a basic idea.
 A real dad makes many mistakes, But loves enough that he is always forgiven. A real dad is adored or despised ( depending on the age of the children) and knows that both mean he is loved!

A real dad will give up everything just to see their child's smile. A real dad will work 12 hour days just so he knows his little princess has plenty of clothes in her wardrobe, that same real dad will work 12 hour days and  come home to play ball with his boys.

A real dad will play and laugh when the weight of the world seems like it is on his shoulders.

A real dad knows that some times a kick from a raging six year old usually means that six year old really just needs a daddy hug.

 A real is always ready to give a hug or maybe just a lift for a while, he also knows when to just be there for you..

So to all the real dads out there, thank you! Thank you for loving us when we didn't know how to love you, thank you for being the dad you didn't have to be.

UNCLE JAMES

                                                DANIEL BRICE
           BENE BRICE

 Thank you to all the real dad's the blood ones, the heart ones and all the men that simply stepped up when no one else would.



In memory of Roger Seals

Jesus loves them All

I have waited a while to write about this...mainly because I was just so hurt, and because I simply had no words to express my sorrow and anger.


I have always known that race and skin color are still  issues in some places, That eventually my kids will realize they are different than their blue eyed ,blond best friends.

I just never dreamed it would be now!?

It all started when we made a quick stop at our favorite Chikfile, when we sat down I noticed there were five or six little girls all about WJ's age. They were all white but it was a non issue in my mind. Our church and schools are predominately white or Hispanic so our children are almost always the only little ones of color. It has never EVER been an issue! Until now, our kids never even noticed it. If anything they felt a bit superior because guess who never ever gets sunburned! In fact the only thought that I gave the situation at all was to wonder which little girl would come out fussing first.

After about ten minutes of playing in the tunnels out of sight and ear shot . they all had gathered in a little circle with 'W' in the middle. I noticed this and was secretly rejoicing! WJ does not always play well with little girls because she likes to tumble and find bugs as much or more than she likes to play barbies. As I sat watching, it became apparent that this was not a friendly huddle up and share secrets kind of circle. I watched my little Princess's shoulders slump and tears begin to role down her cheeks... I stuck my head in to see what could possibly have hurt her feelings so deeply. As I did my heart sank and the room began to spin!

" you are so ugly!'

"look at your nasty brown skin"

"It's disgusting"

 " I hate it"

were the words being said by a hateful  four year old standing between ''WJ'' and I, Followed by a chorus of "uhhuhs'' by her mindless minions!

 OK so maybe mindless is a little strong but I am still in a state of shock.

 How can four year old children be so filled with hate!?! If I had not been so shocked perhaps I would have asked the mother who stood by smiling like nothing was amiss, or maybe I would have even asked the children why they would think that having darker skin was a bad thing? MAYBE I would have given a little talk on how God made every one and never makes mistakes! But instead I grabbed my little one and just left.........leaving food and trays behind I got in the car and drove in silence for a long time praying for the right words to explain to my daughter that this would not be the last time some one would hate her before they even knew her simply because of her skin.

As I said at the beginning of this post, I know that racial tensions still exist, I know that there will be people that will judge us because of our skin color. I know that people are still dying and killing because of differences, but what I don't know is WHY??

When we brought our children in to our family, there was never a question of skin color. I never had to go to my family and ask if they would accept a black or hispanic child into their family. We all are simply family, all of the littles adore and hate each other depending on the day or the moment. But it does not now and it never will have anything to do with skin color.
So why in other families can hatred run so deep and so rampant that the smallest children can feel it and act on it? And more importantly or at least equally important is how do I teach my sweet innocent children about racial tensions with out making them fearful and jaded? When is the right time to talk with my boys about cases of racial profiling? When do I explain to my princess that some boys might not be allowed to date her because of the way she looks? Obviously most of those questions will be a long time from now.....but it does not stop me from wondering. Or having nightmares when I hear of another death or beating brought on by racial tensions?
For me what keeps me up most nights is simply wondering why? Why when we as a nation have come so far, why do we still hate difference? I have no answer to this question.....What I finally told my sweet girl is that people that hate you before they know you just need Jesus.



JESUS LOVED THE LITTLE CHILDREN, ALL THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD. RED AND YELLOW BLACK AND WHITE, JESUS LOVED THE LITTLE CHILDREN!

Little Man

Meet Little Man!
 R.T. is six going on sixty, maybe because of his hard start or maybe just because, I'm not sure, but this I know, he is wise beyond his years.
He  is so smart,and is ALL boy!
Do not send him out doors and expect him to return clean.
His imagination never ceases to amaze me! A trip to the trash can turns into a trip to the moon, complete with moon rocks, space food and stories of purple aliens.

R.T. tends to be  serious, he is sensitive and wears his heart on his sleeve. Little man is always the boss even if somehow the adult in the room may not be aware of this fact. He loves to draw and spends hours make believing!

Little man is truly the balance in our family, Just like his daddy he is most often the voice of reason and calm when the "babies" and I are spinning out of control!

 I would never want to imagine our life with out this little man! He is my joy, my best buddy and he always keeps me on my toes!

Camping with the Princess

Meet the Princess, four years old , Hot tempered, and adorable! From the day we met this little ball of curls I knew we had our work cut out for us. Once you meet W.J. you will never forget her infectious smile OR her crazy loud scream! This little one does nothing in small doses! It is go big or go home! Miss Priss has a new favorite color every day, invents new words every hour and loves her God.

Somehow I have talked Rob into this plan I came up with . We will camp out in several state parks a couple times a month for our summer vacation this year. The kids are stoked, I am looking forward to it, Robert is horrified excited!
 I am a planner, I spend hours going over every detail of our vacations, from where we will sleep to what socks we will wear. And this first camping trip is no different. I have been researching the camp grounds, picking out matching out fits for my boys, I have a list of snacks,dvd's and coloring books for the road trip and the list goes on. But I have come to a little pink bump in the  road of  planning :

Princess W. owns ONE pair of shorts and ONE pair of blue jeans. She simply hates pants! She informs me daily that God's little princess's do NOT wear boy clothes!

 I am not sure what that makes me, considering the last dress I got excited over was that white one I wore when I said "I do".

 I have tried everything to glam up blue jeans but she won't budge, on stock show days she wears her ''Cow girl " pants as long as she has pink boots and a gigantic bow sitting on top of her blond curls. So coming back to our summer of camp outs,

Every time I put a ''camp'' appropriate outfit in the bag a little voice pipes up

"Ummm Mommy, those are for the boys,correct? Cause I like dresses."

 So I am asking for some advice!

HOW DOES A PRINCESS GO CAMPING!



My Love! I get to fall more and more in love with this man every day! I thank God every day we made it through the tough stuff and now we get to enjoy the fun!
Robert is way closer to 40 than he is thirty ;)
He is my gentle giant, he loves me and these kids way more than we deserve ! He is the calm to my storm and the cheese to my macaroni. I ADORE THIS MAN!