In twenty four hours it will be Thanksgiving day.... while most parents are busy picking out cute outfits, packing a bag, baking a pie or two and all of the other pre holiday craziness. While I am doing all of those things I am also downing a bottle of tums to try and settle my stomach, praying over and over again for understanding family and friends, praying even more for just one normal holiday!
See I have three amazing children, children who are bright,stunning and have made it through horrors that most adults could never even imagine. Because of these horrors and maybe just because of how their brain works ( it is easier for me to blame the abuse) my amazing children have several disorders and diagnoses. Now honestly I have tried not to tell the world every issue they have... frankly because it is no one Else's business, not even our family. But because the kids struggles are invisible to the naked eye, we get an almost daily onslaught of "advice" and " shopping mall parenting experts".
Believe me I know how hard it can be to deal with our kids , constant changing needs and routines. I LIVE IT EVERYDAY! I know it is hard to decide what is defiance and what is an inability to cope,understand and move forward in an activity. I know that so much of the time , it seems like they just need a good spank ( and sometimes maybe they do, I mean they are children and all) that sometimes it seems like we are enabling them, or allowing them to dictate our world. But before you give your "advice" or " if that was my child " speech.. let me remind you of something, THESE ARE NOT YOUR KIDS, WE LIVE THIS EVERY DAY AND KNOW BETTER THAN YOU WHAT WORKS! I know this post may seem harsh but it is really not meant to be.
Maybe I should give a quick cliff notes version of our children's struggles so maybe you will understand my anxiety and frustration with the holiday season.
My R man was starved, neglected, beaten and so much more from birth to three 1/2. Because of this he trust NO ONE. His brain has an inability to accept that anyone has his best interest in mind. He is constantly waiting for the ball to drop in any situation. Because of this he is on edge and expecting the worse more often than not. Holidays and family gatherings are very intense and scary for him, they never ended well before he lived with us.. He also has ADHD and PTSD ( post traumatic stress disorder) imagine being seven with a constant assurance that everyone is out to get you, that every situation will surely end in pain and confusion. Because of these fears and anxiety he has a constant need for control, for everything to stay the same. If his world is changed or disrupted he falls into fight or flight mode ( mostly fight) he feels a need to fight to get that sense of comfort back that his normal routine brings. At home, we eat every day at the same time, we go to bed every day at the same time, his clothes are always laid out and ready, his food is always available and he very rarely has to wait to eat..
My sweet little bundle of curls miss W........... honestly she struggles most of all. I really do not have a lot of fancy words to explain her. As a newborn my baby was left screaming for food, nurturing , and touch for sometimes hours at a time. She was ignored and forgotten quite often. She was moved often in that first year and never made lasting attachments. W feels she can not depend on anyone.. I did not know how she would struggle, if I did I would like to think maybe I could have found her help sooner.. But she was so tiny and life was filled with helping Mr. R cope for so long that I just kept telling myself she was too little to remember her abuse and she would be like everyone else. But she is not, my sweet little girl has severe anxiety ( wouldn't you?), is very obsessive compulsive ( it helps her cope to have everything a certain way), needs her routine, even more than big brother everything must stay the same! Sensory struggles plague her every day,sounds, touch, taste, and smells can send her over board. Her brain can not process more than one voice at a time, so if everyone is speaking, laughing or shouting at once she feels as if she is drowning in a sea of chaos. She often floats around in W. land where it is safe, where it is quiet, where all of the things we enjoy and crave as humans but that cause her pain can not reach her. So when she is forced out of her routine or out of W. land she often melts down. She struggles to read and understand people , she is often confused by a persons actions and subtle hints. W. DOES NOT UNDERSTAND SUBTLE! When other children get over stimulated, a good talking to can usually calm them down.. once any of my children get wound up it is almost impossible to calm them down, it is like their brain is in over drive and can not shift gears.
My little D, my stinker, my charmer, my monkey! D was born on more drugs and exposed to more drugs than I could count. He has been so blessed to have very few struggles that most have after prenatal drug exposure. He has trouble waking up, and once he gets too hyper he has a lot of trouble calming down.
So now that you know a very small amount of the struggles my kiddos face, maybe you understand why holidays can be difficult. Honestly I have considered just skipping the whole season.. but that is not fair to my kids or myself. So I am asking you the reader, invite us over, invite us to parties, but please be understanding... remember when miss W. starts screaming because she hates green beans, it is not because she is a brat who does not want to eat. it might just be because of her sensory struggles the texture is literally painful to her. When R becomes angry and volatile for seemingly no reason there are actually a million possible reasons and I get to play twenty questions to try and help him cope and move forward...I am constantly trying to beat the meltdown, I spend every day on alert. Looking out for possible triggers,trying to help the children succeed in a world that confuses them. I am often exhausted, I am often stressed and fighting off my own anxiety. I would be lying if I didn't admit I struggle with this life we live, that this constant fight to stay ahead of the meltdowns and fears of my kids is a hard life. But it would be easier if I did not have to also fight to stay ahead of the judgement we receive from other adults in our lives, it is an everyday battle for me to ignore the rest of the world and just do what is needed for my kiddos. As a parent I am always eager to learn, to find new plans to help my kids be the best they can be. So To my family and close friends, I value your opinion and advice. But while I am dragging a seven year old kicking and screaming to another room, or reminding a four year old that it is good to have people around and that she does not need to be overwhelmed.. THAT is not the time to give it... Over the dinner table in front of extended family and friends that is not the time either. Do not feel sorry for our family, do not judge our family. Pray for us, enjoy being with us, and understand when we have to leave early, or feed our children before the others.
OK so my ramble is over, I hope you can make sense of it! I love you all! Happy Holidays!!
